This summer has been passing by quite quickly. I have been doing much better since I had the small medication issue, and I find myself happy and comfortable again. I have been having some nice thoughts and experiences which I will talk about here.

I have been much more organized recently, especially since the small bad patch I had. I find myself able to clean more, and I’ve been doing things I have wanted to accomplish for months. I have gathered some clothes for donation, and I’m looking to find a place to recycle the older clothes I have that aren’t suitable to donate. I’m beginning to notice the change in my consumption of clothing. When I was young I was quite the clothes-addicted girl. I would spend almost my whole paycheck every week on clothing and makeup. I bought a lot of fast fashion because I was very poor then. But most of my clothes were actually second-hand or vintage, and every season I would allow myself a piece or two of newer expensive clothing, which was usually from indie or very small clothing places. I had some truly unique things and I will admit, I think I dressed very uniquely and I really liked my style. I loved fashion and even considered minoring in fashion design in college. (Thankfully I went for Creative writing instead, which helped more with what I chose as my main vocation.)I would watch the designer’s newest shows each season and I obsessively researched vintage styles. But then I just kind of stopped caring, probably because I was having really bad bouts of extreme mental illness, and also my anti-psychotic meds I got put on caused me to gain weight, and dressing up unfortunately was hard because I was not long confident in my own skin. (This still continues today, but I’m working on it!)

So back in 2020, I like many people began to look into minimalism and living with less. I decided to really take this movement to heart. I know that I wouldn’t ever be a minimalist, but I thought of getting rid of clutter and things that were no longer useful. This meant mostly bins and bins and bags and bags of clothes. I got rid of ten bins of clothing and about six full large bags. I cut my clothing down to just a dresser and a half-full closet. I found less clothing and more of a minimalist black white and grey capsule wardrobe to really work well with my lifestyle. But over the past three years, I did buy clothes from time to time, and some of my clothes were worn thin or looked very shabby, so I knew it was time not to cull the clothes again.

My husband and I are also in the process of better organizing our home, not only does it look better, but it’s easier to find things and do our work (a lot of which we do in our home). So we are also getting rid of more things as well. But I will say it’s much easier this time than the massive declutter I did in 2020 because we still have much fewer things than we did back then, even though we have bought things in the last three years. I also reshelved all of our books, and trust me that is a big task because we have hundreds of books. But man does it help my brain to see the books nicely put on the shelf in some sort of order.

Keeping my desk neat has also helped my writing productivity. So I’ve been writing a lot, and on August 1st I am planning on starting a project and following it through to completion that I have been avoiding. Having my things on my desk neat has been a game changer, and I find I focus so much better.

I’ve felt genuine affection for my life, and today while I was reading outside with a yummy chai latte, I realized how happy I am. It terrifies me to admit that I am happy because I’m constantly paranoid and expecting the worst, and somehow I feel like admitting to good things brings bad luck. This is very strange I know, especially because I am actually not superstitious about most things. I’m sure I have some sort of weird trauma around admitting happiness, but I guess I’ll try to figure it out in therapy.

Things just feel soft and nice. I love the small things I feel so privileged to have in my life, and those small things are really weird. The burnt orange duvet cover fills me with so much happiness when I walk into the bedroom. The plant children we have adopted fill my heart as well. My cats were very scared of the plants at first but after days of staring at said plants, the cats are adjusting. I love the watermelon in season right now, and the blueberries my mother-in-law brought us from Amish country. I feel so lucky for every hearty meal we have, roasted vegetables especially.

I love that I’ve been incorporating reading into my schedule again. Reading as much as I should is something I’ve been struggling to achieve for the last two years. But now, from 4-5 pm (family stuff permitting) I read a book. At first, I was reading a lot of nonfiction and writing craft books, but I switched over to fiction a few days ago. Reading has been making me feel calm and inspired all at once. Perhaps once I read a few more books I’ll do a book review on here.

Things have just felt: soft. I say soft because most of my young life was quite chaotic and harsh. Especially the time of my young adult life before I began dating my husband. At one point I was living out of my car, and I had to keep begging my parents to help me pay for it, which sometimes they did assist with and I’m very lucky. But most months it would be cycles of me selling what little I could carry around in my car or keep at random places and paying all my bills weeks late, living by the skin of my teeth. I was emotionally and physically very unwell, and the people around me were mostly self-centered and unsupportive or unconcerned by how badly I was doing or outright abusive (in any way you can imagine). I know one must be self-sufficient and take care of yourself, and the world doesn’t owe you any favors. But the abject poverty, the mental illness, and the abuse and addictions made it really hard to not just collapse in on myself. (I know some people have it worse, but I feel like I have the right to at least say that I wasn’t in a privileged position in many ways back then.) Things were just so uncertain and so dangerous. And it has taken me a long time, but I finally feel mostly safe which is a major step for me. I am able to look at my life now and feel comfortable and happy. I wish I could go back and tell myself it would be OK in the end. Things feel dreamy and soft most of the time now.

I think though that having been through so much when I was younger, I at least can really feel so much gratitude for all that I have. But it really hit me today as the clouds rolled through the sky and I sat bespectacled in my yard enjoying the slow Sunday afternoon. Even the light rain that came after a while was beautiful and refreshing. I wish it wasn’t so hot but no matter. This summer has been OK in the past few weeks. Summer is a time every year when I have my worst seasonal depression. But I’m keeping my head above the water this year.

Another fun thing we have done in our house work is we built a small recording or quiet space. It was interesting and the whole experience taught me a lot about acoustics. We put up some foam and places a small desk in the master closet, but it’s very cozy and I’m excited to be able to record in a place with less noise. We keep the door open so that the area doesn’t become a dead zone when it comes to recording (trial and error with sounds for this discovery). My husband works in there, and I make video audio and I plan on recording song vocals and instrument recordings in the space. I named the booth “Moon Bunny Studios” and I even made a little logo for the space. I am very extra and I must be too much about everything!

I have been doing a lot of editing, and I have been working on my Substack some. I am excited to start serializing one of my novels next month on my Substack. So if you want to read one of my books a little at a time I would recommend you subscribe to my Substack. (Link in social links on this page and the last entry of this blog) I’ve also been writing a lot of scripts for YouTube videos, and I came out with two new videos this month. I’ve also been working hard on my new music album for my band “Frost Flowers” which I’m hoping will release at the end of the year. But just for fun, I made a NIN remix of one of my favorite NIN songs.

WATCH AND LISTEN TO REMIX HERE

Well, I think that is about it. So far summer is going better than it was at the beginning of the season. I hope you all are doing well.

-Aisling