I have such a heavy heart as I write this. My cat I’ve had for twenty years passed away on the 15th. It has been a hard two weeks.
My sweet boy Ivan has been with me for most of my life. He was the kindest, most gentle creature I have ever known. I will miss him so much, and putting him to sleep was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. As I held him in my arms that last time, I focused on his soft breaths and his purring. It was strange as if time had looped in on itself, because it was just like the first time I ever held him. I remembered the snowy day in 2004 when I, a bewildered and somewhat troubled kid, visited a shelter to find a pet friend.
I had hoped to adopt a grey cat, and I was going to get a ride to a far-off town to look at a specific cat. But the night before I was supposed to travel, I had a dream about a black cat. The cat led me through a small forest I knew to be the one down the street from where I lived with my parents. I somehow knew the cat was a boy, and he walked through the pine needles that blanketed a certain part of the forest as if gliding. When we reached the center of the forest, near the pond that lay there, he turned around and meowed, and the sound echoed through the forest. It reverberated over and over, but the sound was comforting. This dream cat just stared at me with beautiful green-gold eyes, and I knew this was the cat I had to adopt. I just needed to find him. I woke up with my face wet. I was so happy I was crying in my sleep.
So I went to the closest animal shelter, just to look, see who was there. I saw him but walked by him. I tried to hold this other black cat first, and the whole time my cat Ivan was making a tremendous racket and meowing and cooing like a madman. The cat I first tried to bond with, I knew quickly, wasn’t the cat I was looking for. So I followed the ruckus to the other side of the block of cages. And there he was. He looked into my eyes, and I noticed he had a freckle in his left eye. It reminded me of a song I was very fond of that spoke of eye freckles. I loved that freckle in his eye; I loved everything about him. It was a strong instant love. I took him in my arms, and I knew at that meeting we would be together forever. He was soft and I could feel his heartbeat. He nuzzled me the moment he was in my arms. I have still never had a connection with another pet this deep since meeting him, even though I love all of my cats very much.
I found myself reliving the first time we met as I held him for the last time. He was nuzzling me the same way, and he was soft and sweet. It was a very hard choice to make, but he was at least twenty years old, and he just really wasn’t well. Now he is gone, and I find myself constantly forgetting he is no longer with me. I still get his special fish wet food out for him, I’m still quiet in the afternoons when he liked to nap, and I think about him often. It’s been a really hard time since he passed. I will go ahead and practice my French as usual though!
Il me manque tellement. J'ai l'impression qu'il y a un véritable trou dans mon âme. Je rêve de lui presque toutes les nuits. Je recevrai probablement ses cendres la semaine prochaine. J'ai essayé de m'occuper, mais j'ai définitivement été distrait.
I have some projects coming out, but I think I will update more about them in the coming weeks. I am hoping to release these projects in October and November. So my next entry will be happier I’m sure, but right now I’m just exhausted, sad, and gutted over the loss of my cat.